Welcome

Hi,

A year or so ago, I started sharing my experiences, but after a short time, I stopped.

It has been at least a year since I closed it, regretting my choice, you see, I chose to fear others rather than do what I thought I should.

So, I begin again.  I am still weak, and still fear others opinions of me.  Plus, the last thing I want is pity.  I do not want others to see my weakness and struggle and pity me.  I am not visibly handicapped, but I would imagine those who are feel similarly.

I suffer from a mind that is seldom at peace.  I am learning how to find peaceful moments and I have hope that one day I will be healed.  I have discovered through years of trying to get help, that there is NO ONE here on this Earth that can heal me.  Not my parents,  Not my wonderful husband, Not my incredible friend, and not even myself.  I can only be healed through the atonement of Christ.  It took years of me looking to the arm of flesh to truly understand this concept.  I pray for this healing.  I pray for the faith that  I might be healed.  I look forward to it.

This has not been how it has been for most of my life.  I am 47 years old.  I have thought often of taking my life.  Living with the battle I seem to be experiencing in my mind is so tiring.  I think of the story of Christ in Matthew 8:32.  In this story, Christ removes evil spirits from a living person and puts them into the body of swine.  Immediately, the swine run off the cliff.  They would die to rid themselves of what was now inside their mind.  We as humans, are incredible.  We are able to fight.  But, when that fight goes on and on, we too reach a point where "jumping off a cliff" sounds like a great idea.

I think of my life, and I wonder what was it that kept me alive?  It has changed through the years.  At first, it was simply that the fear of death was so great that I never had the nerve to go through with it.  I sorrow for the young, those who were braver than I. Those who chose to "go through with it".

I was lucky I married an incredible man.  I thought that for sure, being loved as unconditionally as he does would heal me.  It didn't.  But,  it saved me.  Because after my son died at the age of 7, I no longer feared death.  In fact, I look forward to it.  But, the idea of hurting my family that still lived, kept me alive.  I realized that I didn't want to die, because I wanted to leave my family.  I wanted to die for peace.  I wanted this battle inside my mind to end.  The love I had for my family, prevented me from "doing it".  Each time I would think about it,  each time I would plan and realize how easy it would be, my family would come to my mind.  I would choose to fight another day.

I am going to end this introduction with the simple words of....PLEASE...live to fight another day.  Find a reason to stay, to fight, to endure.  And finally, STOP looking for others to heal you, they can't.  They can help, they can guide, they can love.  But healing can and will only come through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.  Go to Him.  Learn of Him.  This will give you hope.  Hope that will keep you alive, until the healing occurs.