Do what you need to do, stop apologizing

Throughout my experience I spent a great deal of time feeling as if I needed to be on someone else's time table.  This resulted in having feelings of failure, disappointment, and stupidity.  You see, when I set my standard by using someone else's, I felt stupid.  I didn't get it.

My path is mine.  I should not be ashamed of it.  It just may not be that I need to always share and get others opinions.  Accept where you are, how you are, and what you need to do to get where you want to go.

Move forward at your pace, not someone else's.

Get support and encouragement, but don't let those who may not understand or who may misunderstand convince you that means you are somehow wrong.  Stay strong and do what you feel is the best path for you.  There is a path.  There is one just for you.  Don't give up.  Keep looking.  Stop getting distracted by others.  Stay focused.  You can do this.

Good Luck

There is only one way, and yet, it is not the way of others

I often listen to the counsel an advice of others.  I love it because I have learned that there are as many different perspectives and experiences as there are people.  This is a wonderful thing and as we come to realize this, we learn to listen better.  But I will warn you.  There is danger in this also.  Often we come to think that we either know the answers for other people, that others know without a doubt the answers for us, or that doing exactly what others advice us will have identical results in us, just as much as it did in them.

This is the WARNING!

First, to those who think they have the answers for others.  HOW DARE YOU!!!!   Seriously, do you think that your are so brilliant you can advice others in the concerns and choices for their life.  Do you think you understand why they do, think, or behave the way they do?  You have NOT lived their life.  You cannot understand.  "judge not that ye be not judged"  You want to share your experiences, great. You want to tell someone how simple it is...YOU BETTER NOT.  You don't know.  Something that might be simply for you, might be the hardest thing in the world to them.  

Second, to those who think that others have the answers for them.  Look at our world.  Self help books, self improvement books are top selling.  People are desperate to find the answers to their struggles.  Others make oodles of money sharing "what I did"  So easy,  You too will end up just like me if you just do this one thing.  We look for the easiest path.  We look for others to tell us what to do.  I know that this will most often result in disappointment and the purchase of more and more books.  This I think is one of the biggest mistakes of our lives.  We are too afraid to find our own answers.  Here is the most interesting part, just to show you what I mean.  The people who are sharing with you what they did, well, they are not sharing what others told them to do.  They figures our for themselves what was best for them.  Why would they think that if they had to figure out what was "just right" for them, others don't have to do the same thing?

You are responsible for finding our your path.  Listen to others,  seek to understand, and then finally and most importantly, ask your Heavenly Father.  He is the only one who knows all about you.  He is your father.  He loves you and will help you find your path.  The only one that will lead to your success, your joy, and your potential.

There is one path.  The path to healing and peace is through your Savior Jesus Christ.  He knows the one path for you.  That path that is as unique as your are.  Please do not fall into the trap thinking that others know the best thing for you.

I wish you the best.

Fairy tales and romance books deceive us all

Hi again,

I have started reading again, reading for enjoyment I mean.  It surprises my how many of the books out there depict situations that are unrealistic and well...CRAP.  They teach us that in a moment every challenge, every struggle, can change.  That one day we will struggle with one thing and the next....by either meeting the love of our life, or by hearing some new information, or by having a long conversation...well,  POOF...we are better.

Seldom do they teach the truth. That healing and changing is a long process.  That we take a step forward and then two backwards.  That even though one day we will feel better, the next may be a different story.  They don't tell you that even those who love and accept you in the beginning will sometimes lose their patience and be "done" with you. They don't tell you that after so many times of thinking you are healed only to struggle another day, many of the people closest to you will not believe you are changed or even that you can change.

I shared some of my thoughts with a friend this morning.  I was feeling good.  The conversation was wonderful.  He asked me why I need to be broken.  I told him I wasn't broken I was scarred.  He asked my why I needed to time and time again think that something needed to be fixed.  I jump from one thing to another, trying desperately to fix myself, never being finished.

I thought of that for a while.  He has been  faithful friend for many years.  He has lasted longer than any other (except my husband-although I shielded my husband from a great deal of the ugly side).  And yet,  I didn't think he understood.  I am not sure I understand, but today, here is how I see it. I am scarred.  The effects of childhood experiences, regardless of what kind vary from person to person.  But for the most part if there is some negativity involved, it results in "fear, depression, guilt, self-hatred, destruction of s-esteem, and alienation from normal human relationships."  - Elder Richard G. Scott
I have many of these consequences.  They have hurt many in my life.  I have come to recognize them and decided I want more than anything to overcome them.  I asked for help.  I got it.  I studied, I listened, I learned.  All of the consequences seemed so illogical to me.  I thought for sure I could just decide to think and be different.  I worked on one consequence at a time.  I think that is why I saw myself as broken.  That list is not a description of a "normal" "emotionally healthy" person.

Of course I thought I was broken.  I would improve in one area, only find there was another area.  I would work on my depression, only find I was still afraid.  I would work on my fear, only to find I still hated myself. What was wrong?  I wasn't healing the scar that caused these consequences.  I forgave, I learned to accept, I learned to love.  But....the consequences were still there.  I still felt broken.  Today, I don't think I am broken.  I am scarred.  That list....it's normal.  I don't need to fix the consequences...I only need to heal.  I need to have the faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His atonement.  I need to allow him to heal me. To remove this scar.  As He does, there will be natural consequences to the healing.  I will change.  I be different.  I will have a different list of consequences.

I pray for that day.  I hope all of you find the hope I have found.  Please comment.

Welcome

Hi,

A year or so ago, I started sharing my experiences, but after a short time, I stopped.

It has been at least a year since I closed it, regretting my choice, you see, I chose to fear others rather than do what I thought I should.

So, I begin again.  I am still weak, and still fear others opinions of me.  Plus, the last thing I want is pity.  I do not want others to see my weakness and struggle and pity me.  I am not visibly handicapped, but I would imagine those who are feel similarly.

I suffer from a mind that is seldom at peace.  I am learning how to find peaceful moments and I have hope that one day I will be healed.  I have discovered through years of trying to get help, that there is NO ONE here on this Earth that can heal me.  Not my parents,  Not my wonderful husband, Not my incredible friend, and not even myself.  I can only be healed through the atonement of Christ.  It took years of me looking to the arm of flesh to truly understand this concept.  I pray for this healing.  I pray for the faith that  I might be healed.  I look forward to it.

This has not been how it has been for most of my life.  I am 47 years old.  I have thought often of taking my life.  Living with the battle I seem to be experiencing in my mind is so tiring.  I think of the story of Christ in Matthew 8:32.  In this story, Christ removes evil spirits from a living person and puts them into the body of swine.  Immediately, the swine run off the cliff.  They would die to rid themselves of what was now inside their mind.  We as humans, are incredible.  We are able to fight.  But, when that fight goes on and on, we too reach a point where "jumping off a cliff" sounds like a great idea.

I think of my life, and I wonder what was it that kept me alive?  It has changed through the years.  At first, it was simply that the fear of death was so great that I never had the nerve to go through with it.  I sorrow for the young, those who were braver than I. Those who chose to "go through with it".

I was lucky I married an incredible man.  I thought that for sure, being loved as unconditionally as he does would heal me.  It didn't.  But,  it saved me.  Because after my son died at the age of 7, I no longer feared death.  In fact, I look forward to it.  But, the idea of hurting my family that still lived, kept me alive.  I realized that I didn't want to die, because I wanted to leave my family.  I wanted to die for peace.  I wanted this battle inside my mind to end.  The love I had for my family, prevented me from "doing it".  Each time I would think about it,  each time I would plan and realize how easy it would be, my family would come to my mind.  I would choose to fight another day.

I am going to end this introduction with the simple words of....PLEASE...live to fight another day.  Find a reason to stay, to fight, to endure.  And finally, STOP looking for others to heal you, they can't.  They can help, they can guide, they can love.  But healing can and will only come through the atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ.  Go to Him.  Learn of Him.  This will give you hope.  Hope that will keep you alive, until the healing occurs.